I knew the drugs had worn off when the delicate dust of dreams poofed like a rain drop on a fungi and forwent a sharp awakening that felt suspiciously like a hefty kick in the balls,

Through the grim haze of agony gushed waves of lucidity and I knew then I was going to kick some bottom.

I burst forth with wild punches, legs flailing, lips akimbo, teeth bastarding.

I remember tearing a man’s eyebrow off with my toenail at one point.

It was all a desperate glow of pure I’ve had enough of thisness.

I held them down and cracked their necks like those bloody nuts you only have at Christmas and need a cracker for.

Then, from nowhere came a beast so foul and drenched in puss that even it’s mother would be happy if it reached the heights of miscarriage.

The thing was ten times my height and at least six times my confidence. It had fiery horns atop it’s ridiculous head, a stupidly convex chest upon which it hung human heads like gruesome medals and a demeanour that suggested imminent death.

I decided to scurry.

It lumbered and bumbered but I was too nimble.

It thrust and I avoided the fuck out of it.

I manoeuvred towards it's behind and head butted it in the butt.

The foul git gave a pained yet delighted squeal and I took the opportunity to bite it’s bollocks off.

It fell with a sound like a thousand fish shot at a wall at once.

I gasped and spluttered in gunk but was never the less and always the more happy to still be here (or still be there as events turned out to be just then).

I staggered into the dawn and rested there.

Even though the "Devil's Trousers" was just an aptly named rock formation I passed beneath it's stony crotch with some trepidation. A feeling of unnameable dread washed over me like the salty tears of indifference that mother ocean weeps upon the lost. The very winds that had created these ungodly pantaloons blew cold in my soul. I felt compelled to look upward even though every fibre of my being screamed silent terror. I was fully expecting to be blinded by Satan's infernal gonads hanging dark and pendulous above me but I was greeted instead by the opaque glow of white silk. It seemed a million insects had found crevice in Beelzebub's briefs and spawned something rotten. Maybe it was all in my head but I'm sure there were wriggly things all on my head so I quickened my pace.

While the crew roughhoused and sang disgusting songs about breasts I took rest in the shade. I gazed in awe at the majesty of nature before me. It soothed my mood and I soon found my thoughts turning to an old friend.

The day after my eighteenth birthday, still encrusted with self doubt and vomit, I was unceremoniously dragged to see The Great Majoon. Upon meeting him I was struck with his resemblance to a withered cucumber in a dress and a hearty guffaw did throw it’s self from my adolescently pimpled noise hole . A severe arse intrusion later and I had lost my mirth. Later he took me to one side and explained his actions in a delicate, tobacco flavoured whisper.  “Your suffrage was that of all. For without degradation how would we know gradation . ”

I didn’t understand but looking back I don’t think he did either.

In time however he became my spiritual guru.

Years later as he lay retching and spluttering, the grunts of his vowels, his constipated consonants and the hissing sibilance of his dreadful death brought forth his last piece of wisdom. “The path to enlightenment is a dusty one for it is not forged by the hands of men but by their feet.”

This was either a double metaphor or complete bollocks. I listened intently however cradling my chin with my left buttock for I was in the middle of my daily stretchings.

“It will not be politely cobbled,” he rasped. “A dirt road it will be. It’s contours trodden by a billion feet before yours.” He rasped again, farted and died.

This may have meant something to a man caught in the frenzied death throws of rampant teat infection. The ever dimming shroud of nipple annihilation seemed to cloud his mind yet harden his points. However as a man with all his tits in tact I was struggling to make sense of it all when I heard a commotion.

Our prisoner had tried to escape but as his wrists and ankles were bound he had only managed to waddle off a bit. Before he had even got to the trees he had been surrounded by much jiggery pokery from my crew.

I left them to it and went back to my thoughts as I had a huge decision to make.

There was a growl in the distance. Cushioned and dulled by a million leaves it burrowed a vibration through the trees so deep it made my testicles twitch in terror.

It was then we heard the scream. It carried a primeval shrill that slapped us firmly in the noise holes.

Something was flailing through the undergrowth and drawing near.

I instinctively panicked and fell arse over nipple into the burgeoning torrent. This could have been embarrassing but when I resurfaced I saw an old man staggering onto the shore and confidently headed towards him.

The undercurrent was pawing my ankles like an over affectionate fish but  I must say Bob’s “Life Bra” was a great help. My floatatious jubblies were often on the cusp of iridescent gas gulps and liquid swallows of regret.  

I was in the river shallows before I saw the beast that had been chasing him. The old man was now on the waters edge and turned to face what I can only describe as a fat unicorn with the head of a turtle. I was considering turning back when a shot rang over my head and splashed right in fucking front of me. That was poor aim and I would be having words about that later. The second outburst of fire hit the creature but merely plumed it’s dusty crevasses. It had the desired effect however and the fearsome lump trotted off, the heebie jeebies well and truly put up it.

Thinking all was saved and I had somehow become the hero I strolled out of the river and made forth to greet the man. There was a flash of honest suspicion on his gnarly face and then I remembered I probably did look rather ridiculous. I tried to diffuse my knockers with a wry smile and confident gait but this seemed to rile him and he ran at me and punched me soundly on the tit.

His puzzlement at the rasping fart that came from my deflating dumpling was enough to gain me advantage and I gently subdued him with several frenzied blows to the head.