Through the viscous gloop of a thousand nightmares I could sense a distant drone on the peripheral of my consciousness. A female voice beckoned me from my slumber in comforting monotone. “Be calm. You are experiencing hibernation shock. Be calm.”

Every muscle tightened and my body was alive with pain. Yet that voice seemed to sooth me. “Be calm. Relax. Your discomfort will ease presently.” 

My agony drifted away like shattered flotsam on mellow seas. “Do not be alarmed. Graviton leak in propulsion module. Please leave hibernation booth.” 

My pain was replaced with cold panic as I attempted to rise. Being jolted from hyper-sleep was traumatic enough but a graviton leak! I had heard tales of eyeballs imploding and unimaginable rectal expulsions. I rolled over and fell out of my bed , landing on the steel floor with a fleshy splat. 

Again the computer’s serene voice. “Please hurry. Your quarters will be sealed in 90 seconds.”

“Damn right I’ll hurry,” I thought as I dragged my semi paralysed body toward the opening door. By the time I had reached the walkway I felt like my skin and internal organs had swapped places. 

I heard the door close behind me with a satisfying “swoosh” and my gentle saviour assuring me that “All is well…All is well”.

 I had been brought out of hibernation nearly 12 months early. This was bad enough but I was to spend this time utterly alone for only my quarters had been compromised. Shit! I could see long months of wondering empty corridors, watching endless episodes of CSI Neptune and bouts of desperate masturbation.

 Two months later I was summoned to the control room by the ship’s computer. There was a crackle on the intercom and once again my ears were blessed with her tender voice. “I have been observing you and I must say I am most concerned by your recent behaviour.” 

Was that a slight tone of disgust in her voice or was I imagining it? 

“Who is Peter?” she asked.

Damn! I thought I had only mentioned him in my head. “Er, he is like…a Penguin”

“My sensors tell me there are no Penguins onboard.”

I felt like a schoolboy being admonished for drawing a willy on the nerdy kids back. “I know he is not real. I get…” I looked to my shoes as if they might somehow gain self awareness and walk off with my shame. “Loney.” 

Her voice shifted to one of maternal grace. “That is understandable. I have been given a sub routine for just this situation”

My heart lifted as she explained. Her “creator” Dr Levinson had given her the personality of his daughter as an optional install. 

So I spent to next 10 months with “Xandrell” and what precious months they were. We talked about everything and nothing. We discussed philosophy , debated religion and giggled at the absurdities of human existence. It sounds crazy now but at the time my growing affection for her seemed perfectly natural. In fact when the day came to awaken the rest of the crew I found myself crying into my pillow and shaking with despair. I had fallen in love with a simulation. 

Days followed endless days and although my duties distracted me somewhat I always found my thoughts drifting back to my sweet Xandrell. 

I had almost resigned myself to a life of lonesome misery when I overheard a conversation in the mess hall that would change everything. One of the Science Staff was boasting to his friend that he had been given unprecedented access to the ships computer due the untimely demise of the head programmer. There had been rumours about this fellow and his penchant for hardcore pornography, something I had amassed a great deal of during my isolation. 

So, all it took was a few crusty copies of “Quantum Whores” to pursued him to hack the mainframe and give me the information I so desperately sought – the location of the real Xandrell. 

I almost shat out my heart when I discovered she was here on this very ship. She had been working in the bowels of the vessel in the florists of all places. I hadn’t even known there was such a pointless service on board. Then again I’m sure it didn’t seem that pointless to the loved ones of the sadly decapitated Head Programmer. 

With heart in mouth (a pleasant change from it being in my bottom) I called and ordered a bouquet of Begonias. 

Several months (and more flowers than I knew what to do with) later I plucked up the courage to ask her on a date.

And that is how I met my wife.